It was a slow morning. My ipod was down and I had no magazine to flip. What’s a sad commuter to do but pay more attention to whatever was on TV Mobile.  Channel NewsAsia had an interview with a scientist who was talking about the future of food. We are going to grow meat! Food research expert Prof Brian Ford spoke about the potential for Singapore to be a centre for food research, namely meat cultivation in labs. Imagine, growing our very own wagyu beef harvested from dinky Science Park at Buona Vista!

All that scary mad-cow diseases and Avian flu epidemics have resulted in the search for disease-free meats.  While the idea is a lil hard to swallow, what was more disturbing is CNA’s reporter Pearl Forss’ interview with him. Talk about stiff. Perhaps she’s under the pressure to speak PRO-PER-LEE as a newscaster, but her entire delivery is unnatural at best and a turn-off at worst. She’s obsessed with pronouncing every single vowel in her questions. This is an illustration of how she talks:

“Pro/fess/oor Ford/  (widens eyes), with the rise of epi/de/mics such as mad-cow/ di/sea/ses (pregnant pause for effect) and the Avi/aan Bird Flu (pauses again), how much can groow/ing our own meat help? (smiles thinly as if she’s asked the most important question in the world).

Puzzle #1: Why is she speaking like that? Is this a Channel Newsasia policy? Did she have to take special lessons? But the other reporters speak fine to me.

Puzzle #2: Jade Sea’s Nivea Visage ad for Deep Pore Control is placed outside Seletar Air Base. (Don’t ask me what am i doing there). Strange. True, she’ll be good eyecandy for the NS men but would she be an effective sales person to sell the range to grubby guys who don’t bother to wash their faces? Or would these NS men rush to buy Nivea Visage for their girlfriends in the hopes they’ll start looking like Jade after use?

Puzzle #3: As reported in the tiny, running news strip at the bottom of CNA, Britain is tussling internally over the decision to grant knighthood to David Beckham. Who really cares who’s knighted ? It just shows how cheap royalty is nowadays. Of course, only a newspaper like The Sun backs his knighthood. Despite her Posh Spice moniker, Victoria Beckham is anything but classy. But if Becks gets knighted, Victoria’s anorexic bones can be displayed in museum as Lady Victoria Beckham.

Puzzle #4: Also reported in CNA, Hoya Corp is launching a friendly takeover of Pentax Corp. Why would a takeover be friendly? I’m clueless about business but no matter how agreeable the terms may be, it’s still a bad sign for Japanese companies. Their culture is such that they’d rather remain independent at the expense of shareholders than sell out. That said, the deal is inked. Culture lost to the Mammon yet again.

 Celebrity endorsements have reach new highs, or should I say low? Just the other day, I couldn’t even wait for a bus in peace without being bombarded by a huge image of this dude beaming and giving the thumbs up to a particular brand of soft drinks. I thought it’s one of those lazy, run of the mill ads, until I took a closer look and realised the dude is a celebrity!  The winner of Project Superstar 2!

Eh who? This is madness. Why would people care what he drink, much lest follow his footsteps and buy it. His legion of fans might but they count for probably 0.000304% of the population in Singapore.

For a country that has a serious dearth of celebrities with true star power, we sure have plenty of celeb-backed endorsements. There’s Jack Neo exhorting men in mid-life crisis to go on a holiday with OCBC when he’s not extolling the cooling powress of Fujitsu aircon. We have perky sweet-pies like Fiona Xie attributing her shiny, bounciness to Marigold fruit juices and Osim. Turn on the TV and there’s Stefanie Sun frolicking with SK Jewellery, Xiang Yun telling ah-sohs to shop at her favourite Shop and Save, Rui-en caressing her Olay creams, Denise Keller preening with Mastercard, Edmund Chen running his fingers through his mane … you name it.  Don’t even get me started on the slimming ads which change one less than rake-thin celeb for another every three months.

I wonder whoever thought of the bright idea that it actually works. I understand if people buy Omega cos Nicole Kidman is the ambassador.  But seriously, I wouldn’t buy Citigems jewellery just cos Joanne Peh  appeared in a tastefully shot ad.

Very soon, every reality show star – bozos from The Dance Floor or four year olds from Kindergarten Superstar – will be fronting ads. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Sumiko Tan of the Straits Times Life! wrote an article two Sundays ago about why we might deeply resent this festive holidays. It’s due to, psst, third auntie’s nosey, soon-to-be daughter-in-law showing off her 0.5 carat diamond ring from Lee Hwa. Big, fat deal rock.

In other words, relatives. Like every good Singapore Chinese forced to make nice, I paid utmost attention to the TV without looking too much like an anti-social freak. Here’s what TV land threw up to surprise zombiefied viewers. 

1. Channel 5 screening Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, circa 1997, for the nth time. Groovy baby. What is this? A ten year anniversary screening? We’d really appreciate more current movies, even when they’re not sponsored by yet another beer maker/jewellery company/cooking oil brand.

2. News 5 reported nutritionists are worried about our fat consumption this Chinese New Year. If you must, choose crumbly, drier pastries which contain less fat. It’s more love letters, less melting almond cookies. Recommended intake: 3 cookies at each seating. So not happening …

3. NEWater is a bona fide tourist attraction. Something I only found out after catching the latest Zoe Tay  MTV – Chinese New Year 2007 Edition. She prances around the fountain of NEWater Visitor Centre singing a chirpy CNY song. If I were the sponsor of her dress, I’d be rather worried she’s splashing around in my highly expensive-looking outfit. Her current bob is rather becoming – takes years off her, though the camera would do well not to zoom in near her eye areas. Anyway, bring your tourists friends here where they can “be immersed in a world of water and especially NEWwater … Come and be edutained!”

4. Pierre Png plugs Alfa Romeo. The TVC is gawd-eeky. Now, Pierre Png is your typical Singaporean wifey’s boy who probably looks more at home in a boring Nissan sedan than an snazzy Italian sports car. If you remember his acting range – I don’t blame you if you don’t – it’s frankly, quite unmemorable saved for his atrocious Mandarin. He lacks the charisma and gravitas to pull off a testimonial-esque advertisement for something that embodies as much passion and sex appeal as a sports car. The cheesy lines didn’t help. “You want excitement, you want freedom, you want to experience life, you want the new Alfa …” Does it make you wanna run out and buy the new Alfa? Not when Pierre Png’s spewing those lines.